PROSECUTION: "May it please the court. Your honor, on behalf of civilized people everywhere, we reluctantly have been forced to bring charges of aggravated assault against the 2004 Jeep Wrangler. We do this cognizant that parent company DaimlerChrysler has attempted primitive evolutionary improvements that have accomplished little to bring this World War II relic into the 21st Century. This is, we charge, the roughest, worst handling, most dangerous, most primitive vehicle offered for use on public highways. It ...

DEFENSE:"Objection! The defense contends the primary purpose of the 2004 Jeep Wrangler Unlimited is to excel off those public highways, that comparing it to, say, a Lexus LS430 is ludicrous on its face. The Lexus certainly cannot follow this fine off-roader even 20 feet into a swamp. Any "assault" is nothing more than the expected roughness of a vehicle whose purpose is off-road adventure. We move to dismiss the charges."

JUDGE BOB: "Mr. Prosecutor?"

Exhibit A

PROSECUTION: "Your honor, do you not drive the streets and see such Jeep Wranglers frequently? Do you for a minute believe that this rough-riding idiocratic conveyance does not spend the HUGE majority of its in-motion time, in fact, on streets? If it were restricted to off-road adventure, as the defense calls it, the Jeep Wrangler would not be on trial here. The prosecution grants that the Wrangler is so-suited for that purpose. We bring the charge on behalf of all those who must park this monstrosity in their garages and expect a comfortable, safe commute to work each day. May I continue?"

DEFENSE: "This is ridiculous."

JUDGE BOB: "Motion to dismiss denied. Continue."

PROSECUTION: "Your honor is probably familiar with the history of Jeep. Jeep was once a separate company, with the parent name Willys, and had contracts to build vehicles for the United States armed services. These were go-anywhere vehicles that famously transported troops in World War II and Korea. Today, the AM Hummer has largely taken over such duties. But the Jeep achieved a measure of fame and became beloved by many an American soldier.

"Beyond war duties, the Jeep company offered a line of pickup trucks, sport utilities and a road model called the Jeepster. But it could not withstand competition from the Big Three and eventually was sucked up by Chrysler. The only model that offered the prospect of marketplace success was the sport utility. It was reworked into various Cherokee iterations. Chrysler was pleased with sales. The defendant here, Wrangler, went through a series of minor cosmetic changes, but was little changed in meaningful ways.

Exhibit B

"It nonetheless attracted a cult following. These Jeep lovers decried even the most minute of changes. When square headlights were put on a Jeep Wrangler model, the cultists were beside themselves, moaning and cursing the legacy besmirched. Silliness, sir. So what happened was that Chrysler decided to let well enough alone, to leave the Wrangler an uncivilized souvenir of a war now losing its veterans at more than 1,000 a day."

DEFENSE: "Your honor ... please. The Wrangler was improved over the years. It has not been neglected as alleged. It has just remained faithful to both its purpose and design. And, the defense notes, this Wrangler Limited rides on a new, longer wheelbase. That in and of itself is prima fascia evidence of evolutionary improvements."

PROSECUTION: "Granted, the 2004 Jeep Wrangler Limited has a longer wheelbase. You can see that in prosecution's exhibit photographs, but those extra inches have done little or nothing to decrease the choppiness of the ride that is part and parcel of the assault delivered to the driver and passengers in this vehicle."

DEFENSE: "Must he call it assault?"

JUDGE BOB: "He must, he must."

Exhibit C

PROSECUTION: "If I might, I'd like to continue the history a moment. It's rather interesting. After Jeep fell under the Chrysler corporate banner, Chrysler went through a series of near bankruptcies, including a famed incident where taxpayers bailed out the company, until it was acquired a few years ago by DaimlerBenz. At that time, the corporate name was changed to DaimlerChrysler, delineating the powers in charge, and soon Chrysler execs were packing bags and heading home to Indiana or Kentucky or Arkansas.

"The prosecution finds it ironic that in World War II, where the Jeep served allies so well, the enemies were fought on two fronts - Germany and Japan. The maker of the war machinery for Germany included none other than DaimlerBenz. History notes that Germany and Japan lost the "war to end all wars." But did they? The Germans now own and profit from sales of Jeeps; the Japanese now own and profit from sales of the most popular vehicles sold in America."

DEFENSE: "Are you saying there's something wrong with that?"

PROSECUTION: "No .. not really. That's today global economic reality. It's just .. rather ironic, isn't it? The loser wins in the end, in the most meaningful way. What is a country without prosperity? Pity the poor nations."

DEFENSE: "Well, amen brother, but what has this got to do with the aggravated assault charge?"

Exhibit D

PROSECUTION: "Perhaps the assault is payback. Perhaps someone overseas is laughing at the Americans who take a daily pounding in this vehicle. Perhaps they smile and think 'justice is served'."

DEFENSE: "Your honor, of all the stupid statements ..."

JUDGE BOB: "Mr. Prosecutor, you are way off topic. Confine your remarks to the charge at hand."

PROSECUTOR: "Yes sir. Let me now turn to what may be further evidence of a conspiracy of retaliation, however."

DEFENSE: "Objection. Is he out of his mind? Retaliation? We're talking about an off-road vehicle here, not a conspiracy of retaliation."

PROSECUTOR: "Your honor, this matter is so serious that we must be allowed to introduce evidence of a clear and present danger."

JUDGE BOB: "Well then, you had better introduce it pronto and cut short the Michael Moore dramatics. Do I make myself clear?"

Exhibit E

PROSECUTOR: "Yes, your honor. I'll ask the court a rhetorical question: If you were to locate a vehicle's gasoline tank in the safest location, where would you put it? You would want it protected from impacts to the front, side and rear, would you not? You would find your solution - as nearly all automakers around the world have found it - in locating that explosive tank between the frame members and between the axles. In almost all survivable accidents, the crush of metal does not reach that area near the middle of the vehicle. So where does the 2004 Jeep Wrangler Limited locate its gas tank? Inches from the rear bumper, your honor. Inches. Oh sure, it has a skid plate, but that plate cannot protect it from a severe rear impact."

DEFENSE: "Where are the real world accident statistics to support this serious allegation of danger? Are Jeeps bursting into flame all over the country? I think not."

PROSECUTION: "Unfortunately, these statistics are not easily available. But we all remember the rear tank location of the infamous Ford Pinto, do we not? Or the sidesaddle gas tanks on certain General Motors trucks. These were tanks located where impacts could rupture them. The resulting fires were sometimes fatal to those inside. Surely, no one, not even the honorable defense counsel here, would argue that a tank rearward of the rear axle is an optimal or even safe location. If this vehicle were for off-road use only, this might be acceptable. It is not acceptable for use on city streets."

Exhibit F

DEFENSE: "If it were dangerous, your honor, governmental action would have been taken."

PROSECUTION: "And you believe in the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny, I suppose."

DEFENSE: "What about the Easter bunny? He's not saying the Easter bunny is not real, is he, your honor?"

JUDGE BOB: "I believe he is."

PROSECUTION: "In fact, the government - belatedly, as usual - is preparing to conduct rear-end accidents where the amount of fuel lost will be measured and must meet a specific rupture standard. The prosecution bets this rear location's days are numbered, that DaimlerChrysler is right now designing a mid-vehicle location for this dangerous gas tank."

JUDGE BOB: "Can we wind this up? Final arguments, please."

PROSECUTION: "May it please the court, the prosecution has only touched the tip of the iceberg here. This Jeep Wrangler Unlimited is, around town, just awful. Its ride is harsh; its steering is jerky; accelerator touchy; entry and exit worse even than a sports car. Its ragtop removal is the most complicated of any vehicle. Any vehicle! The owner's manual devotes about 15 pages to explaining how to lower the top. Frankly, I gave up trying to figure it out. It had to stay up or down, and since rain was a possibility, it stayed up. In that position, it flapped its protest at highway speeds.

Exhibit G

"Noise intrusion was extreme on the highway - from wind, from offroad tires, from lack of sound deadening insulation. Tractor-trailers sounded as if they drove through this Jeep. Fuel mileage from the 4-liter, inline six-cylinder is a weak 16 city and 19 highway. There are powerful V8s that do much better.

"The quick steering and inability to hold center made control of the Jeep difficult at all times; crosswinds made it a nightmare. And numerous stickers in the Jeep warned me this has a "high rollover hazard". You bet. On the road experience? As bad as it gets."

JUDGE BOB: "Is that it?"

PROSECUTION: "No, your honor. I could go on and on, but I'll try to be brief. In testing this in preparation for this court case, I learned that even resting a toe on the accelerator leaped the Jeep into motion. Yikes. I saw plastic window pieces that will discolor or crack in years to come. I never adjusted to the huge turning radius, more like that found on a full-size truck. I didn't like the absence of anti-lock brakes, or the fact that in a side impact crash, any rear seat passenger would be 'clubbed' by the soft-top side bars. Frightening.

Exhibit H

"Loading the cargo area was a chore because the top had not been removed and a bar blocked the way. Besides, the lower tailgate swung curbside - the wrong direction for Americans who park on the right side. I put up with a tornado of wind inside the Jeep when I had the driver's side window down. And I always watched my rearside through the two out of three mirrors I could keep in place - the right one never held position. I didn't want anyone running into the back end of this Jeep. Not with a gasoline-filled bomb inches from my rear bumper. And even on seemingly smooth roads, this 2004 Jeep Wrangler Unlimited joustled and bumped and dipped and dived and bounced its way along. It's enough to lose your Dairy Queen Blizzard on a good road, your teeth fillings on a rough one. Aggravated assault is the least charge that can be brought. In the Big Picture, this thing is an antique best restricted from daily on-road use."

DEFENSE: "Your honor, this vehicle is a special purpose one. It is not a Cadillac, and its followers are happy about that fact. Its special purpose is to deliver its driver and passengers to destinations not reachable in other vehicles at this $25,815 price. Only the Range Rover and Hummer and Mercedes-Benz G500 compare in capabilities, and they are many thousands more. But it is also, we contend, decent transportation for the young and adventuresome on any road. It is not a public nuisance. It is a vehicle young people particularly enjoy driving. They aren't freaked out by wet seats or a road irregularity. Heck, they even ride roller coasters, if you can believe someone would do something so foolishly dangerous.

"Few vehicles hold value like a Jeep Wrangler. Few vehicles are more desired in used form. Few vehicles offer the aftermarket modification possibilities of a Wrangler. This vehicle is guilty of nothing but being true to its historic purpose. Today's Wrangler is a far better vehicle than the World War II Willys. Far better. And it is important to DaimlerChrysler. They have no intention of discontinuing it. It is important. It is historic. It is a great vehicle, not guilty of anything but delivering fun and utility."

PROSECUTION: "May the prosecution address one point raised here?"

JUDGE BOB: "Go ahead."

PROSECUTION: "Of all vehicles sold, the Jeep Wrangler has the fewest number of repeat buyers. They learned. They know."

THE VERDICT: The real Judge Bob (Windows Media format).