PROSECUTION: "May it please the court. Your honor, never before in the history of any court has a vehicle come to trial accused of causing the damage this one is accused of. The 2005 Scion xB goes beyond merely being a public nuisance. It goes beyond delinquency. This box car is a weapon of mass destruction."

DEFENSE: "Objection! What is he talking about, your honor?"

JUDGE BOB: "Exactly what do you mean, counselor? What part of this car makes it a weapon of mass destruction?"

Exhibit A

PROSECUTION: "Open the rear hatch on a 2005 Scion xB and you won't need satellite images or teams from the United Nations to find the culprit. There, frightfully attached to the floor of the cargo bay, is said weapon. It even has its name emblazoned on it: Bazooka."

JUDGE BOB: "Bazooka?"

PROSECUTION: "Bazooka. It's a tube perhaps 16 inches long and six inches in diameter. There's a kind of mesh front, more like those found on some electric fans. A little roof covers the top of this weapon."

DEFENSE: "What makes you think this is a weapon?"

PROSECUTION: "I have seen with my own eyes the photographs taken of the 2005 Scion xB after this weapon was used. I have seen the mass destruction fostered on the community of Port Charlotte, Florida, where this box car was test driven during the week culminating on Friday the 13th of August."

Exhibit B

DEFENSE: "I find this hard to believe."

PROSECUTOR: "Then take a look at Exhibit B for the prosecution here. This photograph of the 2005 Scion xB, seen in a frontal view, was snapped in front of what was an AutoZone store before the Scion pulled up to buy some aftermarket parts."

DEFENSE: "That's incredible."

PROSECUTOR: "It certainly is. As best the prosecution can recreate the scene, the Scion driver was testing the audio system that is optional on the Scion xB. It offers three levels of control - neutral, hear and feel. Being curious, the test driver of the Scion xB began with NEUTRAL and was greeted with top quality sound from the FM radio station. He then moved to the HEAR setting .. and the Scion xB began to shake slightly."

Exhibit C

DEFENSE: "Let me guess ..."

PROSECUTOR: "The entire thing, your honor, is controlled from instrumentation on the dash to the right of the driver. Below the unusually located speedometer are knobless controls for volume and bass adjustment. It is that bass adjustment, your honor, that we believe is key to the destructive power of the Scion xB."

JUDGE BOB: "What happened when the control was adjusted to FEEL?"

PROSECUTION: "The first thing noticed was that the rear view mirror began shaking."

JUDGE BOB: "Shaking?"

PROSECUTION: "Vibrating, your honor. It just turned to a bowl of Jello. The driver couldn't see a thing in it."

DEFENSE: "So maybe the mirror was loose."

Exhibit D

PROSECUTION: "I wish I could say that was the case. But this is a new vehicle, seemingly well constructed for its $14,480 base price. It doesn't feel cheap in any way. It's small, yes, but its construction seems to promise a long life."

JUDGE BOB: "Other than this .. this weapon of mass destruction .. it's a good car?"

PROSECUTION: "That's correct. It's entirely functional, your honor, offering maximum use of interior space. Loading the cargo area around the Bazooka is easy due to the low liftover. The interior is comfortable and lights up at night with glowing red footwells and LED illumination of the cupholders. It's kinda like being inside a jukebox."

JUDGE BOB: "How's it run?"

Exhibit E

PROSECUTION: "It's no speedster, that's for sure. There's a little 1.5-liter 4-cylinder that puts out an anemic 108 horsepower, but does help achieve 30 miles per gallon in town and 34 on the highway. Young folks will appreciate that, if they can get past the fact that this isn't exactly fast and furious. I think they'll be attracted to the unique appearance of the 2005 Scion xB. I mean, no other box car is this radical. Just look at the special exterior package with its brown splash on the black cherry paint. Note the rear spoiler, B pillar and fuel door appliques. This thing looks neat."

DEFENSE: "Did everyone respond to it?"

PROSECUTION: "They did, but it was mostly negative. There were rent-a-cops everywhere in Port Charlotte and one of them mocked the car, saying it looked like a washing machine."

DEFENSE: "What did he look like?"

PROSECUTION: "Shaved head, puffy chest, pistol strapped on hip, the high school bully who found the perfect job."

DEFENSE: "Can we get back to that weapon of mass destruction charge?"

Exhibit F

PROSECUTION: "The problem began when the FEEL selection was made. After the rear view mirror began vibrating, other sounds could be heard, like bolts coming loose or something. The thing hurt .. hurt the ears, hurt the chest, drew shaking fists from other motorists. It was the ultimate nuisance we all hate on the road, the thump-thump boombox car usually driven by some young idiot who will be fitted for his first hearing aid about the same time he needs reading glasses."

DEFENSE: "I hate those cars. What I want is some kind of electronic gun I can aim at them and blow out all their speakers."

Exhibit G

PROSECUTION: "Amen to that. Invent one and you'll be a millionaire. Anyhow, it was only later, when the Scion xB revisited areas it had passed that the damage was seen. It was staggering. Everywhere, windows were shattered. Buildings collapsed. It was devastating. The Red Cross and Salvation Army moved it for relief and the National Guard set up on each street corner. A rigid dusk to dawn curfew was put into effect. Water lines had been contaminated and there was no tap water safe to use. Power poles lay broken. Traffic signals were torn from their lines. All this in the wake of this vibrating monster of a car with a Bazooka in its cargo bay. If this doesn't constitute a danger to society worthy of eliminating, then Saddam Hussein is Time magazine's Person of the Year."

DEFENSE: "Your honor, may I raise a point?"

JUDGE BOB: "If it's relevant. This seems a slam dunk case."

Exhibit H

DEFENSE: "Your honor, in preparation for trial, I visited a Web site the other day that may shed light on the true cause of this destruction. The site is sun-herald.com, the Web site of a local newspaper, and I checked news events for Friday the 13th. It seems that a Category 4 hurricane named Charley came ashore at Port Charlotte, Florida, that very day, about 4:30 p.m. So when these photographs of the 2005 Scion xB were taken on Aug. 14, 2004, they were taken in front of destruction caused not by the defendant Scion xB and its vibrating audio system, but by a violent act of nature."

JUDGE BOB: "You're saying the car is innocent of this violence?"

DEFENSE: "Completely. And may I add that it's a great little car, fun to drive and a surefire conversation starter. It's cheap to buy and economical to operate. Toyota, the parent company of the Scion line of vehicles, has a home run here. The Scion xA is less exciting but good also. I've driven that one. But it's the Scion xB that will fire the imaginations of young people. And even older folks like myself remember the custom cars of the Fifties, the 'Undertaker' and the like. This reminds me of that custom-car era."

Exhibit I

PROSECUTION: "Frankly, it reminds me of one of those little cars that enters a circus ring and clowns keep coming out and coming out and coming out. But, your honor, if this destruction indeed resulted from an Act of God, then the state withdraws charges. But we still think the Bazooka should be outlawed. This kind of subwoofer monster, an extra $774, is a real public nuisance. If it can't be outlawed, then communities will need to create and enforce strict noise pollution regulations. Your right to hear your music at your volume ends at my ears. That we must make crystal clear to noise pollution offenders."

COURT ADDENDUM TO EVIDENCE:The defense entered the price sticker for the 2005 Scion xB as a PDF file. Zoom in for details on standard equipment and features of the R32 on trial.

THE VERDICT: Animated Judge Bob (Flash format)

NOTE: There's no trickery in these photographs. The community where Judge Bob lives and works, Port Charlotte, Fla., was indeed devastated by Hurricane Charley on Aug. 13, 2004. Four lives were lost. Numerous buildings were destroyed. The damages seen in these photographs are a fraction of the $7.5-billion in losses. Recovery will be very slow for all of us here, a place often called an affordable paradise in the tropics. As this is written, paradise is hell for many here.

Home, James