PROSECUTION: "May it please the court. Your honor, the prosecution has been accused of bringing specious charges before the bench in the past, but today we have before us a car - the 2004 VW R32 - clearly guilty of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. We intend to show that this car, hunkered down and mean looking even as you approach it, serves no purpose except to entice the young and foolish into actions that constitute a threat to society. It beckons the evil side of us all. 'Come on,' it says. 'Be bad. Yeh, we be bad,' it says from its spoked wheels to its racing seats. It almost demands bad behavior from its driver. It speaks from dual exhaust pipes, growling encouragement to go ever faster, to exceed speed limits and waste precious gasoline. It sounds a clarion warning of an America heading the wrong direction. And we must stop that misdirected movement, beginning today, here in this court. Through our verdict, we must tell law-abiding drivers, good citizens everywhere, that help is on the way."
DEFENSE: "Has someone in the court been watching too many political conventions?"
JUDGE BOB: "Is the next witness Al Sharpton, by any coincidence?"
PROSECUTION: "This is serious business, sir. I do not take likely my duty to make America safer, to raise the moral fiber of our youth, who, after all, are our future. I .."
JUDGE BOB: "Cut to the chase."
Exhibit B
PROSECUTION: "Yes, sir. Let us begin with the color chosen for this VW R32. It's red, but not just any red. Any red we could accept as being without hostile intent. This red, your honor, is called Tornado Red. Tornado! Is that not a violent image? Are tornadoes good? Do they help farmers with their crops? Do they better families? Tornadoes are evil. They are wicked things that appear without warning, destroying all in their path. And that, your honor, is what the VW R32 does. It is wickedly fast. It destroys lesser cars in its path. It comes without warning into the rear view and with a loud, raspy roar it speeds by, leaving those lesser cars in its wake. That, your honor, is what it is capable of, what it can inflict on our nation's highways."
DEFENSE: "The defense was under the impression that drivers commit violations, not vehicles."
PROSECUTION: "Vehicles contribute to driver behavior and thus are accomplices to the fact. Like the driver of the getaway car, they are every bit as guilty as the partner in crime who pulls the trigger."
Exhibit C
DEFENSE: "Move to dismiss on the grounds that this beautiful car, in and of itself, poses no more of a threat to America than the Statue of Liberty."
JUDGE BOB: "Overruled. But let's talk more about the car and less about the moral fiber of the land."
PROSECUTOR: "Ah, the car. Let's talk about the car. Let's talk about a Tornado Red box that has been substantially lowered, shoed with 18-inch spoked wheels, equipped with Koenig racing seats for driver and front passenger. Even to the casual observer, the car has a menacing look. We've come to recognize this look thanks first to Hollywood and its 'Fast and Furious' movies, then from cars speeding on our streets across this great nation."
DEFENSE: "Can we just say 'nation' and not 'great nation'?"
PROSECUTOR: "These are the cars favored now by the young. Once, young people wanted V8 engines and dual Cherry Bomb exhausts. Once, young people wanted big American cars, Detroit iron, red-white-and-blue muscle machines. They eschewed the tiny offerings from abroad that increased our trade deficit and took American jobs overseas."
Exhibit D
DEFENSE: "He's getting political again, your honor."
JUDGE BOB: "Sustained. Confine your remarks to the car."
PROSECUTOR: "Your honor, the 2004 VW R32 is a marker of a changing climate in America. I merely note its place here, that it represents a quantum shift from the vehicles favored when we were young."
JUDGE BOB: "It does, but so what? Every young generation needs a definition of itself that differentiates it from previous generations. As a teenager, Judge Bob lowered a car, flame-painted it, removed door handles and chrome, popped Moon disc caps on its wheels and even installed glasspacks. That was how Judge Bob set himself apart, created an identity. What's wrong with that?"
PROSECUTION: "Well, you probably weren't threatening."
JUDGE BOB: "I'm afraid I was, Mr. Prosecutor. As is the case with most new generations, the ones that preceded it fail to understand it. Judge Bob's car was different - and difference was not well tolerated many years ago. Let's hope America tolerates differences among us better today, shall we?"
PROSECUTION: "Differences can be enriching. Differences can be educational. But differences can also be destructive. Differences divide and division leads to polarization. Let's not celebrate differences as much as we celebrate the commonality."
DEFENSE: "Are we still talking about a car?"
Exhibit E
PROSECUTION: "We are talking about a subcompact car, a tiny Tornado Red thing, with a 240-horsepower VR6 engine under its bantam hood. We are talking about a bitty car with a six-speed manual transmission and a light clutch, a car with all-wheel drive for maximum attraction, a car with an exhaust buzz so distinctive that we now introduce a recording of that sound. This recording is of a trip around a large country block, from crankup to shutdown, never getting past third gear since speeds would have been wildly illegal."
VW R32, from crankup to shutdown, around a country block
JUDGE BOB: "Makes Judge Bob want to be young again."
PROSECUTOR: "Why do I think I'm losing this case, where every fiber of this car begs violation of our laws?"
DEFENSE: "Because you're wrong. Because fun is not illegal. Because you sound like just another over-the-hill elder who sees each new generation as wrongheaded, while forgetting how wrongheaded you appeared to your own elders."
PROSECUTOR: "Is that true? Have I forgotten?"
DEFENSE: "You have, and your narrowmindedness is to your own detriment. Might the defense suggest you spend some time in the racing seats, shifting the gears, listening to that exhaust with the windows down. Watch how young people look at you, give you thumbs-up signals instead of single-finger salutes for not getting out of their way, see some smiles on the faces of your grandchildren."
PROSECUTOR: "I like all-wheel drive. Didn't have that option on the older muscle cars."
DEFENSE: "Those land dinosaurs were terrible, compared to a VW R32. The old muscle cars could barely travel a straight line - on dry pavement. They didn't handle well and brakes were never equal to the horsepower. Safety was not even a word applied to them. This 2004 Volkswagen R32 handles extremely well, stops on a dime, has decent comfort, great standard features, and it's safe with front, side and head air bags. It's world's better than those boss wheels of yesterday that we think epitomized performance. The world has changed. So have the cars. So have the choices made by the young today. What did your parents think of Elvis Presley?"
PROSECUTOR: "Lord, they thought he was the devil himself. All that hip wiggling drove my mother right to church. She thought my baptism didn't take and wanted me dunked again. But I thought he was cool."
DEFENSE: "What do you think of Jay-Z?"
PROSECUTOR: "Who?"
DEFENSE: "The defense rests."
COURT ADDENDUM TO EVIDENCE:The defense entered the price sticker for the 2004 VW R32 as a PDF file. Zoom in for details on standard equipment and features of the R32 on trial.
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