PROSECUTION: "May it please the court. Your honor, I bring a horrible case of vehicular mutiliation before the court today. It's an unpleasant story and the autopsy photographs will be difficult to view. For that, the prosecution apologizes in advance. But it is necessary to see exactly what DaimlerChrysler has done with what was a delightful, practical, affordable, fun car before the butchers chopped it to pieces and foisted on the public the 2005 PT Cruiser Convertible."

DEFENSE: "The defense, your honor, denies mutilation. Think of what the PT Cruiser underwent as more like cosmetic surgery. The old babe was beginning to show some aging signs. Lines that were attractive years ago no longer drew admiring glances. Something had to be done. And so it was. So it came to be that the PT Cruiser went under the knife and emerged a new beauty, a topless thing that turns heads as it did a few years ago. Is that not desirable? Is that not good? What's the problem with doing what's necessary to maintain a youthful appearance?"

Exhibit A

PROSECUTION: "Beauty? There are those who found the PT Cruiser beautiful before it was sliced and diced. Think back to when it first appeared, a mere child on the auto marketplace. Its retro look was perfectly executed, the vision of a talented young designer now stolen away to General Motors. Outside and inside, the PT Cruiser was visual perfection."

DEFENSE: "Agreed. But that was yesterday."

PROSECUTION: "If I may continue .. Over the years, the designers added a woodie version, that some found attractive and others likened to kitchen cabinet paper being slapped on the body. Then there was special paint for another edition - all attempts, your honor, to entice buyers to spend more for a practical little wagon-like thing that first sold for $16,000. But we had no idea how far the shame would go. We had no idea that someone would strip the car of two doors, rip off its top, slap a basket handle across its midriff, mutilate its trunk and sever every ounce of practicality this practical vehicle once had. Yet that is what has been done in the quest for more money from what is just a fancy Neon."

Exhibit B

DEFENSE: "Objection! Don't call it a Neon. Don't call anything a Neon. God knows Chrysler is trying to bury the Neon. Don't call the Cruiser a Neon!"

JUDGE BOB: "But it is a Neon. It's been modified, but it's a Neon."

DEFENSE: "Oh the horror, the horror."

PROSECUTION: "What DaimlerChrysler did, your honor, is wretched to hear, but I must continue. Someone must pay for this crime. The windshield was lowered an inch. Can you believe that? Then a Chrysler Sebring top was stretched into place. But nothing really fit. The PT Cruiser in its base form looks like a delivery vehicle and it's not easy making a convertible from a delivery vehicle. So doors had to go. The four-door practicality gave way to a two-door model that makes entry and exit from the rear difficult. But the worst travestry, however, is with the trunk. Once, the PT Cruiser could boast of how its seats could be folded flat to open up a huge cargo space. Once, the PT Cruiser had a rear hatch door that made loading easy. Now, your honor, look at this!"

Exhibit C

JUDGE BOB: "Ohmigod."

PROSECUTION: "This, your honor, is what's left of the attractive PT Cruiser's rear. Cosmetic surgery, indeed. If this were Jennifer Lopez' rear, we'd be talking a billion-dollar judgment here."

DEFENSE: "Rear beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

PROSECUTION: "You think this rear is beautiful?"

DEFENSE: "I'd take it home, yeh."

JUDGE BOB: "Gentlemen."

DEFENSE: "Sorry, sir."

PROSECUTOR: "The prosecution must also show the court what was done to the midriff of the PT Cruiser. A tattoo we could take today, or even a belly-button ring, but what DaimlerChrysler did was sickening to those who value aesthetics. It put a handle from side to side."

Exhibit D

DEFENSE: "It's like a roll bar, your honor."

PROSECUTOR: "No it isn't. The Chrysler lawyers will jump all over you if you call it a roll bar. That means it's for safety and this one isn't. This one is necessary because when the beautiful PT Cruiser lost its top, it flexed like a piece of tin foil. The basket handle is a brace, an ugly, in-your-face acknowledgment of structural failure."

DEFENSE: "Look, this is a convertible we're talking about. You can either have cowl flex or you can have structural bracing. The defense contends the car's handling integrity overrides whatever aesthetic blemish the prosecution might think it causes. This Easter basket handle has been used before, after all, and no one screamed ugly at the Oldsmobile Cutlass convertible or the VW Golf. A basket handle is not proof of mutilation."

PROSECUTOR: "Then let's talk function, shall we? Let's consider the trunk. The lid swings down and then up, leaving little access to a tiny storage space. Women will have to bend way over. And women don't like to bend way over in public. The trunk is a travesty. Remember that before this mutilation occured, the PT Cruiser was a spacious, practical people and cargo hauler."

DEFENSE: "Your honor, the prosecution is missing the point. He's arguing as if the PT Cruiser had somehow been replaced. It hasn't. This car on trial, the 2005 PT Cruiser Convertible, is an addition to the family, a sibling of the PT Cruiser the prosecution seems to admire. It's a joyous thing, the convertible. It adds an additional fun factor to owning a PT Cruiser. All Cruisers have some fun value to them, but this one .. this one reeks of fun. No one behind the wheel of a 2005 PT Cruiser convertible will go unnoticed. And many women, especially, like that fact. They'll be admired, along with their car. They're not looking for the practicality of the basic PT Cruiser. If they were, they'd buy that one. They want fun. They want to stand out in a crowd. They'll wear a red dress to a wedding and to hell with anyone who thinks it's improper."

JUDGE BOB: "High testosterone women?"

DEFENSE: "Better believe it. And they're the absolute most fun, your honor. They're risktakers."

PROSECUTION: "There are other words for that kind of woman. And I certainly wouldn't want her in my kitchen at home."

DEFENSE: "Nor would she want to be there, sir."

JUDGE BOB: "Is there more on this .. mutilation charge?"

Exhibit E

PROSECUTION: "Not really, your honor. We think our exhibits speak for themselves to the travesty that has occured here. The real story is the chopped top. Under the hood, the PT Cruiser is unchanged, with a 180-horsepower four-cylinder providing power. The tester on trial here had an optional automatic transmission and optional side air bags. Nothing we would argue supports the state's charge."

DEFENSE: "The defense will not waste the court's precious time with specious arguments. We do not have a travesty here. This is about attraction. This is about being attractive. This is about .. sex. This car is sexy. Not cute. Sexy. DaimlerChrysler can't say that, of course, but they'd like to, I'm sure. The person seen driving this car is perceived as being sexier than the person driving a base PT Cruiser. It's that simple. That elemental. We sell sex in perfume, in clothing, in food, so why not in cars? Why can't we be free to choose a sexy car that matches the image we want to world to have of us? This is that car. This is your image, ladies, the throne on which you perch while the world passes and judges you. Do you want to be judged as fit for the prosecutor's kitchen or would you prefer being asked out for the evening? Your choice."

THE VERDICT: The real Judge Bob (Windows Media format)