PROSECUTION: "May it please the court. Your honor, the people today present yet another sad case of a good car gone bad. This 2004 Ford Mustang Cobra is baaaaaaad. And that's not good."

DEFENSE: "Your honor, with the clientele the Mustang Cobra courts, bad is good. I know that sounds Orwellian, but let me explain. Good is a Toyota Prius. Yuck. Bad is a Toyota Celica GT-S. Right on! Good is a Honda Odyssey. Bad is a Honda Accord with a big wing on the rear deck and a ground-shaking stereo. Good is Wynona Judd losing weight. Bad is Martha Stewart in stripes. This Cobra is bad. And that's good."

JUDGE BOB: "And ignorance is knowledge and war is peace and .."

DEFENSE: "That's the idea, your honor."

Exhibit A

PROSECUTION: "Could we get back to the car on trial here. Your honor, the prosecution has spent a week in this car and would just as soon have spent seven days in Abu Ghraib. This car beats a driver up in ways Pfc. Lynndie England's young eyes have yet to witness. Its clutch is so heavy only an Olympic soccer player has any hope of holding it down at a stoplight. The manual transmission has throws longer than a double play at Tropicana Field. The whole drive train shakes and clunks with any movement of the accelerator. This thing is noisier than a Dick Cheney rally. The 2004 Ford Mustang Cobra has morphed from a fine pony car, the original pony car, your honor, to become this muscular monster on steroids. It deserves no less than probation until it can be rehabilitated."

DEFENSE: "Probation?! Surely the honorable prosecutor jests! This Cobra is Truth, Justice and the American Way. This is a hot dog and ice cold root beer at a summer baseball game. This is Motherhood and Apple Pie together at a McDonald's playground. Probation, indeed. This is wrapping your bow legs around a snortin' V8 engine, blipping that accelerator and feeling rubber spin into smoke on asphalt. It's 390 whopping 'merican horsepower at your bidding, with rear-wheel drive, the way God intended cars to be. Let me ask you this, if Spiderman drove a car, what would he choose?"

Exhibit B

PROSECUTION: "What has Spiderman got to do with this car?"

DEFENSE: "It's an 'if' question. We still allow those. The point is, your honor, Spiderman would look for something with some super power, right? Spiderman wouldn't be caught dead in a Chevy Malibu. He'd laugh at the idea of wheeling around in a Toyota Corolla. He'd want some wheels that backed up their looks with action capability. And that, your honor, defines the Ford Mustang Cobra. This is no pretender. This is Custer's Last Pony Stand. This is the original Survivor. Last of its breed, an endangered species that deserves applause, not public humiliation by trial. Lord knows, the others of this ilk have passed on to Supercar Heaven. Let's not lose this stellar performer."

JUDGE BOB: "Could you wipe that stuff off your shoes and let's get down to the facts, please."

PROSECUTION: "The prosecution would appreciate that. The Ford Mustang was born as a 1964 model, the brainchild of Lee Iacocca, later the savior of Chrysler. Lee had research done and knew that his potential buyer was a college age kid. They wanted two bucket seats up front, for sportiness, and a bench seat in the rear, for extracurricular activities in the evening hours. So that's what was created. And the creation became an instant sensation, spawning 40 years of Mustangs since.

"Yes, there were muscular Mustangs along the way. Toward the end of the 60s, muscle car fervor gripped the nation and Mustangs came in Boss mode, 302, 351 or the NASCAR based Boss 429. Those were screaming cars, I can assure you, but the race back then was really special, with Camaros, Firebirds, Challengers, Cudas and Stangs all bunched up in a Trans Am series of races. Good times, sir."

JUDGE BOB: "Judge Bob remembers them fondly."

PROSECUTION: "Yes, but even back then the brutal nature of the cars was setting the stage for their demise. By 1972, the insurance industry said enough is enough and jacked rates up. The government put in place new pollution curbing restrictions and the automakers couldn't make their overpumped ponies meet those standards. And then we got the kink in the gas supply, if you remember, and an accordian solo well played could buy a Cadillac Eldorado 'cause no one wanted a gas guzzler."

DEFENSE: "My neighbor bought one back then! Loved it."

PROSECUTION: "What we got in the next few years were Farrah Fawcett Mustangs, little cuties with curves but no verve. That continued for a decade or more until slowly the Mustang began to regain its cojones."

DEFENSE: "Cojones?"

JUDGE BOB: "Balls."

DEFENSE: "I knew that."

PROSECUTOR: "In recent years, the GT Mustang has been a terrific car, with plentiful horsepower available in a variety of models. My personal favorite remains the limited edition Bullitt Mustang. That's a great Mustang, a perfect combination of considerations that make driving fun. The Mach 1 was a little over the top for civilized society, but nothing like this bad boy. The Cobra goes way beyond acceptable behavior and deserves a verdict of guilty of encouraging delinquent behavior."

DEFENSE: "That's like blaming a gun for a murder."

PROSECUTOR: "Well, if there were no guns..."

DEFENSE: "Sorry to mention this Mr. Liberal, but we have the right to bear arms. Listen, if the Cobra had been around for our Founding Fathers, the next item on our Bill of Rights would have been the right to drive a romp-stompin' car. Bet on it. Those Founding Papas were radical dudes, who understood freedom and liberty and the kick in the butt a real road-burner can provide."

PROSECUTOR: "Your honor, this car is over the top. It's gone too far. It's no fun to drive. Even the defense counsel must admit that. It's hard work to drive this. Too much horsepower from the supercharged V8. Too heavy a clutch. Pathetic fuel mileage. And a $38,850 price tag, to boot. Course, part of that is a Mystichrome paint job that can't make up its mind whether it's green, purple, blue or black."

JUDGE BOB: "The paint job is extra?"

PROSECUTOR: "$3,650 extra."

JUDGE BOB: "I'd skip that. Is it available in red?"

DEFENSE: "Absolutely, your honor. And black. And white."

JUDGE BOB: "What's it sound like?"

DEFENSE: "Vrooom, vrooom. Gotta love that Mustang sound. This one is even throatier."

PROSECUTION: "I have nothing else to say, your honor. The car is dreadful for most uses off a race track. I urge the court to send it back to the drawing board, to demand that Ford Motor Company's Special Vehicle Team redesign..."

DEFENSE: "Excuse me, your honor. I've just been handed a piece of paper telling me that this Cobra is indeed the last of its kind."

JUDGE BOB: "What?"

DEFENSE: "It's been shelved after the 2004 model year. Ford tells me the Cobra will reappear in 2007 as an all-new model. So charges against this model are moot, are they not? Move to dismiss."

JUDGE BOB: "Motion denied. The Cobra continues to be sold and deserves a judgment on the 2004 model, which this court will now render."

THE VERDICT: The real Judge Bob (Windows Media format)